Since becoming pregnant, it's like I've been accepted into this special club --- women with whom I would have nothing in common otherwise are suddenly my biggest source of advice and support as I grow this baby and panic about motherhood. We scored some awesome furniture last night, along with some other goodies. It's kinda fun to finally have some baby stuff in the house. We are just a few weeks shy of the halfway point --- time is going fast, and November will be here before we know it. I'm still fortunate to be having a dream pregnancy. Aside from the occasional exhaustion and my too snug pants, I've been feeling great. Perhaps a bit moodier than normal, but who knows? Like always, I save my moods for my husband, so I guess he'd be the best judge of that.

I'm waiting patiently to see if I'll get called for an interview for the Head Start job. My current workplace is more stressful than any I've ever been in, and it has nothing to do with my job. It's poorly managed and my direct supervisor is the culprit. I wonder how she got her job, given what I've seen and heard about her reputation over the course of her 30 yr county career. It's a little discouraging because, at this point, I can't afford to not have a county job. If I went elsewhere, I wouldn't have FMLA or the same benefits package that I have -- and we can't afford that. I sometimes wonder if I should've stayed at Chrysalis, but the insurance alone was so outrageous --- even though my take home pay is less here, at least we all have affordable and decent health care, which is important. I need a healthy husband now more than ever.
Anyway, my boss is an a-hole and I would welcome the opportunity to leave this job. Not only has it been personally stressful, but I'm not married to the work I'm doing, which makes staying motivated that much harder.

I'm on a mission to find a baby prep checklist, kind of like the one I had for my wedding. There's a trillion things to do, and I have no idea if it's too early (or too late) to start doing them. Can't wait for our next ultrasound! Another week and we'll see if we're having a little prince or princess. :-)

baby bump

I'm finally starting to actually feel pregnant, which is strange and also kind of exciting. I had such an easy first trimester that I barely felt any different. Now, I'm starting to get a little bump and feel like something's going down in there. My pants are starting to work overtime, and may need to be retired soon. We'll hopefully find out next week if it's a boy or a girl. I still feel like it's a girl and refer to it as "she" and "her" --- Scott is thinking boy. We'll see who's right! I think it'll make it more real to know, and to actually start making plans for his/her room, etc.

A job posting came across my desk today for a community outreach and volunteer coordinator for the county Head Start program, and I think I may apply. Even at the low end of the pay range, it would be around a $3 raise, and I feel that I would be much happier working in a place that I felt more emotionally connected to. A place that does good for people who need help, but with all the benefits of a county job sounds just perfect. I may be slightly underqualified, but I may go for it anyway. It seems a little insane to get a new job when I'm almost 4 months pregnant, but I think transferring to another job within the county will keep all my benefits and my seniority intact. We'll see.

Kristen and Keith are in town, and I'm excited to see them! It's always good to have an O'Neill around.

heartbeat

We *finally* surpassed the 12 week threshold of Baby James' cooking time, and were able to go public with our news. It's exciting to talk about it with everyone, and have everyone be all excited for us. Our little person will be loved from coast to coast.

We were able to hear the heartbeat (very fast) and get an ultrasound at our 12 wk appointment. He/she looks like an actual little person, even though only measuring a whopping 2 inches long. What's happening in my body is very bizarre and a lot to think about. I try not to fixate on it too much. It's too much to handle.

Yay baby! It's getting more and more exciting. I'm a lucky lady.

you should write

Having been encouraged by my husband last night to write, I thought maybe I should try to be more devoted to my little blog. I've never blogged for public consumption -- only for myself. I used to livejournal like it was nobody's business, and while it was read by a few people I knew, it was mostly just for me. And it serves its purpose --- I occasionally go back and read it, and am transported back to moments in time. Its good to reflect on where you were and how far you've come. If we'd stuck to our original plan, we'd be moving to Minnesota in approximately 17 days. But --- in typical fashion, life clearly has other plans for us. We are staying in AZ for the foreseeable future, and are anxiously (and with a mild amount of terror) awaiting the arrival of Baby James #1, who is scheduled to show up around November 1. It's all very exciting and scary and overwhelming and strange. I can't quite get over the idea of a tiny human being (who is currently ~2 inches long and looking like a person already) existing inside me. And the fact that I'm responsible for its development, and eventually, its survival and upbringing. But, given my tendency to be a lunatic, I am remarkably calm. I kind of feel about it like I used to feel about college papers and projects. Something that I had not even started would be due in 2 days and I'd start to freak out (kicking myself for the 834th time for waiting till the last minute) --- and suddenly, a sense of calm would wash over me as I realized, "It'll get done". That's it. It'll get done. It may be hell and I may be miserable for the next 48 hours, but it'll get done (on time) and soon it will be behind me. That's what I think about this pregnancy and subsequent motherhood. I can spend all day getting bogged down in the details: how can I possibly give birth? how will we possibly afford a baby and all the stuff that tiny people need? what about my maternity leave? what about our schedules and daycare? But, at the end of the day, the only truth is ........ it will get done. And every parent I know and thousands of people on the Internet that say that parenthood is the singular most amazing and fulfilling experience of their lifetime can't be wrong. So, here we go. Life is good. I live with my very best friend, and we have a little house, and a little dog and a little James on the way. We live a simple, little life and it's perfection.

My husband is working on getting a new job, one that would have him home every evening and weekend, with paid vacations and benefits, and I am giddy at the idea. I felt reluctant to encourage him to seek out a new position, because I know that he loves what he does and felt that if he was doing something that was less than thrilling -- but, we're both ready for a change and I feel very strongly that our productivity and happiness depends on seeing each other more, at least for the time being.

On the other hand, having him around more will be a huge adjustment. We both acknowledge that we get lonely, and that being healthy and motivated is easier when you have a partner to do it with, but at the same time, we're both very used to being alone when we want to be. But, marriage is about finding balance. And we'll find it.

So, it's now August 26. According to my calendar, we plan to move in 248 days. That seems like a really long time, but we all know that the older you get, the faster time moves.

I've been feeling dissatisfied with life, in general, lately. My job is beginning to annoy me, and I wake up more mornings than I'd like to dreading my workday. I'm more than disgruntled with the fact that I haven't gotten any sort of raise in 2 years, and that my job becomes increasingly stressful and filled with things that are, in fact, not my job. For a while, I was sympathetic to the fact that it's a non-profit, struggling economy, etc...so, I was okay with working for less than I'm worth. But, lately, it's just not working for me. Hopefully that will change soon.

Life at the James house is good -- stressful, as I do not spend nearly enough time with my husband, which puts strain on us. It's ironic that we all we both want is for the other to be happy and to have what they want, but that's what causes us to argue. But, hopefully, that will change soon, too. It would be magical to have a partner who is awake and home when I am. Magical.

There are a lot of things that I wish for: a budget with much fewer "to be paid" rows, a dog that liked kids and didn't growl at strangers, a job that I love and pays me enough to eliminate some of those "to be paid" rows, friends that lived down the street instead of across the country --- but, at the end of the day, I've got very little to complain about. But I will anyway. :)

It's been a while...

I used to have a Livejournal, but since all things in my life seem to be new lately, I figured I would make a switch here, as well. I haven't journaled in forever -- but it seems to help, and I miss just writing, in general. Until I tap into my more creative energy, my life is about the only subject I feel confident writing about.

I was just mentally going through a list of all the "new" in my life in the past year or so. It includes: a new apartment (2.09), a new husband (2.09), a new middle and last name (2.09), a new email address, a new phone (finally got my beloved BlackBerry), a new phone number, and various other new items which aren't all that important to me. A pretty major list.

I'm optimistic about the new year. I have Scott and I back on our strict budget, as we've got some major plans to make. Some major, expensive plans. First, a move to the Arctic, AKA Minnesota. We are both anxious to leave Phoenix and set up shop in a new city. Predictably fulfilling our roles as The Practical One and The Impulsive One, respectively, I am hesitant to move until we've got oodles of money saved and Scott wanted to move yesterday. Hopefully, we will meet somewhere in the middle that's comfortable for us both. At some point after our move, we'll begin the business of having babies -- which both excites and terrifies me so much that I can't really talk about it. I'll save that topic for another day.

Anyway, it feels good to write. I love reading my old Livejournal, from back in the days when I should've been saving money and preparing for this point in my life, but instead was spending every dime I had to spare on beer, and spending ever moment I had to spare wasting time with my friends and my one big, long, romantic mistake. But, it was a kick in the pants, and I'm glad I documented at least parts of it. Hopefully, when I look back on this one, it will remind me of the great first years of my marriage, when it was just Scott and I.

Speaking of my marriage, it's almost been a year. It feels like it was just a few months ago that I was getting back to work and living through the hell that was changing my name, professionally. (It took weeks to get my email address changed, and then all my saved stuff back from when I was loneill, instead of ljames). Married life is exactly what I expected it to be, which is a good thing. I'm a lucky lady to be Mrs. James. On a side note: it's still 6 weeks away, but I am soooooooooo excited for our anniversary dinner. Scott's chef is going to personally cook us a meal, and we'll not know what we're having until it's put in front of us. But, we can be assured that it will be delicious, and that there will probably be foie gras involved.

Another side note about being married (and attached to Scott James, in general): it has made me a much more adventurous and snobby eater. I love to watch my husband cook and listen to him talk about food and his job. And I love how well-fed I am.

I probably should get back to work. My business cards should be changed to read: Lindsey James, Time Thief -- because that's really what I'm best at.